KILLER KEYSTROKES - Defence Against the Keyboard Warrior
Werte, G’day and welcome to another episode in the “About Series”. And if you are wondering, Werte is a traditional indigenous greeting from the wonderful Arrernte people to say Hello. Today’s session is About – Killer Keystrokes -“Defence against the Keyboard Warrior”. Today, we are going to take a deep look into this aspect of communication. So lets get going
Now this is a very interesting topic considering how our communication today has made a significant paradigm shift.
Communication between people is made up of 3 distinct parts. Words, voice tone and body language. In fact when you look at the Mehrabian Formula which was created by renowned psychologist Albert Mehrabian, he states that in this communication model,these three elements form your perception of a person and in varying amounts – being, 7% is your words, 38% is your tone of voice and 55% is your body language. So when you look at this, the majority of communication is not the words alone.
Let’s take a look at the incredible power of Words as they can be used today – they can nurture and heal or they can shred and destroy. In today’s device driven world this formula is unable to be executed most of the time. People communicate via text or socials or email around 95% of the time. WOW! That completely eradicates the 55% body language and severely distorts the 38% tone of voice. So our Perceptions of others and our selves are taken at WORD value and the tone in which it is written more than FACE value.
For a society that has never been more “connected” this finding helps explain the severe LACK of connection and the confusion this causes. People just type out their messages, often badly punctuated and littered with overused ellipsis, exclamation and question marks and CAPS to drive their message home.
At Chrysallis – We often get asked by clients how to deal with being ATTACKED via text, socials or email. Attack seems kind of a strong word doesn’t it? However when reading some of the vitriolic diatribe our clients have had to deal with – ATTACK may actually be too soft a word.
I’m not sure what has happened to people to enable this kind of behaviour and this was a question we were asked well before the pandemic – so it’s not lockdown or isolation related. I remember one client sharing with me 7 screens of total rage. It was like a horror story sent VIA SMS which I’ll remind us all again that this stands for – “Short Message Service”. Not a medium for writing a novel.
Over the past decade or so some people feel they have been given a right to launch written attacks – either via text/socials or email – on people’s characters – firing off unfounded accusations or personal slander or other times airing a past grievance whereby the receiver of the tirade -has absolutely no memory or context around what is being thrown at them.
This can literally & physically feel like – “a kick in the guts”.
The sender – obviously relieved they have got off their chest whatever needed releasing – seems to have no idea or emotional intelligence around the wounds and broken pieces our clients have had to pick up.
Another interesting thing to note is that most of the Keyboard Warrior’s Victims are the type of people who choose to NOT communicate in this way. They are generally highly intelligent both intellectually and emotionally and come to us pretty shocked that so called “grown-ups” feel that they hold a “Licence to KILL” with their bullying words and without a shred of consequence for their actions.
We have always coached and mentored people that when they have a bee in their bonnet about something and have written an email, social post or text whilst highly emotional to not send or post it. We get them to wait at least an hour (preferably 24 hours and sleep on it) and read it again when they have calmed down. In most cases, without the intense emotion, they are relieved that they didn’t send it and then they either delete it or rewrite it. If they still feel the same way, then we get them to send it to someone they trust for their opinion which also usually diffuses the situation or helps them rewrite in a better way. And some of these attacks come when the sender has had too many drinks of alcohol, and they blast off an email or text. When you are intoxicated, this is NEVER the time to send out emails, posts or texts. I’m sure you all have examples of this in your life.
So as I said, we are here to help you deal with these attacks. So I will now share with you quick, efficient DEFENCE against Keyboard Warrior Manoeuvres which we call the “Triple R” which has helped many of our clients and we encourage you to share with any of your friends or colleagues who come under attack.
Step 1 - Reject
If you are on the receiving end of one of these written grenades, stop, read or just SCAN through it – only once. OR if it happens to be one of those 7 screen sagas – STOP reading it altogether. There is no point re-reading offensive, inane blahs. Get a screen grab and print it out then DELETE it from your phone or email. Or you can send a copy to your partner, best friend or someone you can trust. Then delete it. Do not leave it on your device. You do not need to rub salt into your wound so Step 1 is NEVER reread – Reject
Step 2 - Repair
When the correspondence you have received causes a “physical stress response” – which 99.9% of the time they do – you need to repair and diffuse the emotional response in your physical body.
Why?
Because if you don’t – it will fester and reverberate into other areas of your life.
Your body stores stress responses in your cellular memory. Causing damage to your body and to your emotions and causing you to constantly “re-live and respond” to a hurtful event- even though it is past tense. If you don’t diffuse this your body responds in “Real time” “as if” the event continues to happen in the now.
I am going to share a simple tool with you today called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – that will diffuse and repair the emotional pain caused by the written grenade you have received. Think of it as a form of acupuncture (without any needles) for your emotional rescue. Sound good? Great let’s begin. If you are driving – pause here and come back when you can give yourself 10-15 minutes to complete this exercise.
First up I need you to think about how you felt when you read the hurtful dialogue that was launched at you – by the keyboard warrior.
Where in your body is this presenting? Give it a moment and reflect.
Your mind’s eye will show you the way. Close your eyes for a few moments and just be guided.
Got it?
Give the intensity of that hurt a shape (example a circle) a colour (example red) and an intensity number -1 being not strong and 10 being “majorly intense”
Ok once you’ve got those let’s begin.
Follow along with me using two fingers of either hand and start tapping on your karate point (on the side of your hand- either hand whatever feels comfortable) and repeat after me;
“Even though, I have read these hateful, hurtful and untrue words – I deeply and completely love and accept myself” (We will repeat this three times)
Using the same two fingers and Start tapping in the centre on the top of your head and say
“All this hate, all this hurt, so untrue”
Moving your fingers to tap the inside of your eyebrow saying:
“Totally uncalled for”
Then tap the side of your eye saying:
“What a kick in the guts!”
Then tap Under your eye:
“What a coward”
Tap Under your nose:
“Cruel and hurtful”
Now tap Under you lip between your bottom lip and chin:
“Angry and upset:
Now move your fingers to a Sore spot (which is just under your collarbone:
“Hurt beyond belief”
Now move your fingers to the Monkey position (which is under your armpit about 3 inches below and on the same side as your tapping hand is)
“Why me? I don’t deserve this!”
And move your fingers to under your chest on your rib bone midway and still on the same side as your tapping hand:
“Unfair and unjust”
Starting at the top – let’s repeat this two more times.
the top of your head using the same two fingers say
“All this hate, all this hurt, so untrue”
Moving to the inside of your eyebrow:
“Totally uncalled for”
To the side of your eye:
“What a kick in the guts!”
Under your eye:
“What a coward”
Under your nose:
“Cruel and hurtful”
Under you lip:
“Angry and upset:
Sore spot (which is just under your collarbone:
“Hurt beyond belief”
Monkey (which is under your arm about 3 inches)
“Why me? I don’t deserve this!”
And under your chest on your rib bone:
“Unfair and unjust”
Back up to the top of your head tapping gently
“All this hate, all this hurt, so untrue”
Moving to the inside of your eyebrow:
“Totally uncalled for”
To the side of your eye:
“What a kick in the guts!”
Under your eye:
“What a coward”
Under your nose:
“Cruel and hurtful”
Under you lip:
“Angry and upset:
Sore spot (which is just under your collarbone:
“Hurt beyond belief”
Monkey (which is under your arm about 3 inches)
“Why me? I don’t deserve this!”
And under your chest on your rib bone:
“Unfair and unjust”
Now place your hands in your lap, close your eyes and breathe in – let your minds eye again show you where the “hurtful event” was showing up and NOW check out the shape and the colour showing and give it a number between 1 and 10 – 1 being very little effect and 10 being intense.
Keep repeating this exercise until you get the colour and shape diminished and number down as low as possible.
Step 3 - Respond
When you are 100% comfortable that you have diffused the pulse of hurt and anger that the event caused – remember this may take several rounds of Step 2 ( in some of our client’s cases – believe you me – this has taken more than several.)
Now IF you find you are tapping out the response on your keyboard or phone like this (intense angry keystrokes) STOP.
GO back to step 2 and do some more repair work.
You can now – if you choose to- compose a response which is calm and civil.BE patient and trust in the process – this absolutely works.
It’s best to keep the response succinct and composed and reads something like this for example:
Hi ______, call me when you have time to discuss your message. Take care ______ OR another example –
Hi ______, Your comments were both unkind and unnecessary. Call me if you’d like to discuss. Take care, and then just sign off.
Just keep it short and non-accusatory.
It’s their behaviour that’s been upsetting NOT the person.
Seriously – If they are worthy of your time and company they will call – if not – best to let go.
IF you choose NOT to respond at all – all good – just make sure that if any of the negative emotions around this bubble up again. Repeat Step 2 “Repair” and then release.
IF they launch another grenade after these steps – just delete it and move on. Remember in good relationships you are in the same boat – both with an oar – rowing together. If the person holding the other oar refuses to row – you will not only do ALL the work you will just go around in circles. Remember – Life is too short and you’re way too wonderful for that!
We hope you’ve enjoyed this session and got some strategies and tools to help you. If you want to see the visual for the EFT exercise, go to our Chrysallis YouTube Channel or website www.chrysallisgroup.com.au for a link to it.
Please share with your friends and we look forward to you joining us again for another About episode. Until then, take care and be your best.
